Choice

I am here on this wild beach as the spring morning awakens, to gather the smoothest, roundest rocks to use as memorial stones. As I venture further I delight in discovering one perfect stone after another, my cloth bag bulges, heavy with treasure. 

I pause, frustrated with myself. I’m doing it again. Logic dictates that I could walk freely, weightlessly down the beach and collect the heavy stones on the return trip to the car, saving my muscles. I’m reminded of my desire to not borrow tomorrow’s problems today, to trust God with all my needs right now. However once again I have chosen the way of anxiety, and fear of scarcity.

What if there’s not enough, or none so perfect as these in front of me right now? I must take them now just in case another opportunity doesn’t arise.

This stone dilemma mirrors my current feelings. I want to graciously release what is not my burden to carry, what is no longer bearing good fruit, yet I cannot help but hold my wants in tension with doing what is right and good for others in working out our great commission. I struggle to know what goes in box a and box b. I desire a formula, a tick box to help me sort this confusing muddle. I am terrified of making the wrong decision.

The children run ahead, they beg to return by way of the forest, not back along the beach where all the perfect stones were. Wait! So I was right to gather rocks as I went.. just as well! I pat myself on the back for thinking ahead and struggling through the discomfort, which has freed me to follow the children into the forest. 

Then I think again. 

There is no formula. There was never a right or wrong in this gift of a walk on the beach. There are no tick boxes. There is only choice. 

I have so many choices. And not one of them ends in disaster. In fact, they are all pretty good options. I could lay the heavy bag down and take a rest. I could have easily filled my bag with stones only from this clearing where the beach gives way to the forest. I could empty out my bag and come back another day to gather stones. I could run back to the car and return burden-less to play. I could say no to the children’s request. The options are numerous. 

Forgive me Father for trying to formulate You. Thank you for the gift of choice. I strongly desire to walk your narrow path that leads to life and get things ‘right’. I know that you know that about me. And that you love me. I want to throw away my checklist and be guided by your Spirit every moment, to walk assuredly in your will. Please help me to not tie myself in such knots, and thank you for the way you always untie me when I do.