Did I trick you God?

Today I found this prayer written by 17 year old me. 

At the time I meant every word. I was so worried that giving my all to God would mean giving up my dream of raising a family, that I earnestly begged God to make my heart want what He wanted. It would be the only way I could see the relationship working out long term. 

My Christian youth experiences seemed to impress on me that to follow God properly you’d likely end up in Africa. Well, I guess I choose you Lord - if I have to be a missionary overseas living off the sniff of an oily rag to appropriately live out my love for you - so be it.

I know, I’ll get a nursing degree to bide my time, that’ll be useful in Africa. 

Whoops. I fell in love and got married - that’s ok we can still end up in Africa - he can play the guitar, I can nurse little African babies - what a team. 

Oh, I’m pregnant.. and again and again and again and again.. It’s going to be a little difficult to travel now with all these children Lord, do you see that? Maybe when they’re a bit older we can all go to Africa. 

Did I manage to trick you Lord? 

But now as I am learning a little more about you and the way you love me, I’m wondering if Africa was ever the plan. My fear of what I’d have to give up kept me from ever really asking your opinion. Perhaps, hearing your thoughts on my life, I would have been freer to fully embrace this path. Maybe I’d have grasped sooner that you simply want me to bloom where I am planted. 

Or maybe I’d be alone and joyful in Africa right now?

Regardless. Here I am. I long for time alone, EVEN in Africa. The life I thought would bring me the most joy on this earth, is so hard and feels endlessly uphill today. 

You are my all. 

You are all I want.

You are my happy place, my refuge from the storm. 

You have ruined me for this life. 

Today I see, and I thank you for wholly answering my prayer that has been gently growing in me for 22 years.