I’m happy that you’re happy that I’m happy because you’re happy

Many people think God never expresses any passion or emotion until we miss up and then he gets angry with us - S J Hill

I think I’ve been subconsciously thinking that for a very long time. 

Just now, as I hid in my closet, my well, my refuge - I felt God say He was pleased with me. It breaks me. I don’t know what to do with this. And I love how it makes me feel. Because today even though I’m trying my best, it’s really not great.

I know God delights in others - especially in their mess - because He sees their heart. There is all the patience for those who have their heart towards God. I never doubt God’s abundant mercy and delight for my neighbour - only for me.

Are you not disappointed when I’ve taken on too much? Where I haven’t prioritized all the things correctly? Does this make me unacceptable in your sight? Does my individualistic overwhelming feeling that the-work-will-never-be-done-and-where-do-I-even-start offend you? Does my sometimes broken attitude make my sweat and tear filled offering worthless? 

But no, you say you are pleased with me. You are pleased that above all I want to see your kingdom come. You delight in my effort. You smile on me and say ‘keep going’. You know I’m a hot mess and you think I’m a bit of alright anyway. 

That makes me so happy