I let go.. again

God, I find myself in the depths of anguish once more

All the things that irritate me happened again today

And I want everyone to know about it

To join my angst

To justify my position

But to what end? Where does that ever leave me?

It just spreads the misery around

No one can change this persistent onslaught of disappointment and discouragement 

Only you can change me

Yet I’m not quite ready for that

Part of me still thinks I could alter, tweak or organize my way out of this turmoil

Lord as you know, I’m actually quite good at strategizing and problem-solving

However, You say I can have peace in my storms

And I don’t

I know from experience you are here and we are going to get through this and that gives me hope

My devotional says that we can leap for joy in adversity

Do you see me jumping in my bedroom?

I guess the ridiculousness did make me smile

I played the 11 minute version of the surrender song twice for good measure 

But peace eludes me still

You lead me to the pearl that to be truly formed in you I need to lose my life

Self denial

Give up my right to be right

Give up my need to feel justified 

Let the angst go no further than us as I ungraciously dump it on your lap 

My spirit knows there’s a life giving truth hidden here

It’s just crushed under a heavy whiny layer of ‘I don’t want to’

But I’m giving You a small step forward in trust

And I am choosing to let it go

I let go of my desire for power and control, and my desire to change any situation, condition, person or myself. I open to the love and presence of God and God’s action within.

By your great mercy

I surrender.