In the trenches

During the times when family life flows beautifully, I say outwardly that it’s just a good season, but inwardly I quietly, smugly, maybe think I actually finally cracked this parenting gig once and for all. I give myself a little pat on the back reflecting that all the intentional quality time, measured responses, sacrificial self control, and parenting hacks really do pay off, consistency truly is key. 

But then the weather changes.

I’m back to negotiating, lecturing and threatening and implementing natural (yet anger infused) consequences.

This throws me - as I really thought we grew past this.

My heart is so heavy hiding down here in the trenches, despairingly hunkering down for yet another season in this battle of wills. Wondering how long it’ll be until I see the sun again. 

My turmoil compounded by the disappointment that my good parenting will actually never be a silver bullet. I am not even close to being in control. And sadly, after multiple days of torrential rain my reserve has run out and I react as immaturely as last time. 

I am embarrassed that I thought I had become more patient - more able to withstand the storms. Cringing that I thought I had grown into someone who could consistently embody loving insightful understanding in response to disordered behavior. 

And I realize that I am still so deeply flawed and painfully slow to change. 

And in a way this helps. 

If I am this unfinished and yet still wholly loved, perhaps when I’ve had a minute to breathe I can emerge from the trenches and battle on - knowing that they too are far from finished, and still wholly worth loving.