that’s enough for now

It’s a very strange thing, that growth inspiring correction makes one feel held, secure and loved. My adult life appears to be a continual process of awkwardly, uncomfortably and slowly unbecoming all the junk, leading me closer to where I want to be, walking in imitation of my savior.The latest junk that has been brought to my attention and I have signed up to partner with Jesus in shedding, is my subconscious lack of respect for human agency. There is a sheltered path on the walk into the hospital that is popular among those who have no permanent dwelling. Over time I see the same few faces on this strip.

It costs me nothing to lovingly pass out a bit of cash or breakfast bar now and then. But after exchanging pleasantries with the same gentleman for a few weeks, I start to get the nagging feeling that God wants me to go deeper. I’m reminded of the disciples being asked for money from a beggar. Peter and John then offered the one thing they did have, a relationship with Jesus who has the power to heal and free.  

As usual, I start to overthink. The thought of asking this man if he would like to commune with Jesus together scares me, for many reasons. 

Is it presumptuous of me to think he wants or needs prayer? Maybe he is completely happy and healthy and simply chooses to rely on the generosity of others. And more terrifying, what if I pray and nothing happens?

That still small voice encouraging me to be uncomfortable in obedience just doesn’t cease. 

I finally decide today is the day, I pray all the way from my car, asking God to please help. On fire with the spirits courage - I approach the resting figure, go to open my mouth with the speech I’ve carefully prepared.. and see it’s not him. I recoil, quickly recover, wish goodmorning to the new face, hurriedly handover my bundle of cash and food and walk on. Equal parts disappointed and relieved.

When I finally do get to exchange names with Marcel days later, our encounter isn’t the spectacular event I imagined it would be, it was plain awkward. Despite having ‘God Bless’ written on his sign, and willingly consenting to shared communication with the almighty, I notice him looking around nervously while I’m squatting in the cold dark morning beseeching God for his help with all the things Marcel has shared with me. 

Maybe I’m embarrassing him and he’s worried I’m cramping his style. Maybe he’s thinking I’m taking up space where someone else may offer more money with less personal cost. Maybe he’s lying about his sick mother and estranged daughter and simply anxious for me to handover my money so he can go get a fix. Maybe he thought saying yes to my offer of prayer was obligatory after I’d shared money with him. 

I walk away deflated. I had expected fireworks, and instead received confusion and uncertainty. 

But I take solace in the fact that I have been obedient, which wholly trumps that feeling of regret that accompanies disobedience. 

As I slowly digest my expectations, my confusion and disappointment, I start to realize that this meeting had very little to do with Marcel, or the act of prayer.

My constant prayer is for my Heavenly Father to teach me to love like He loves, to see people how He sees people. This interaction was my greatest lesson yet. 

Crouched low that cold damp morning my unthought, hidden expectations and assumptions were laid bare and were rudely confronting. I learned things about myself I wouldn’t have known were there by any other means. I can’t even adequately put this in words, but I am changed in how I love because of that moment. 

On my next walk down the strip, two groups of people who were displaced had their collection plates out in anticipation of gifts. Unsure of how to divy up breakfast for one, between many,  I quickly walked past with an apologetic good morning. The day following there were three groups. 

That night, I lay in bed overcome. Could we afford to keep being as generous with this many people on a long-term basis? Maybe I needed to budget a certain amount of money and food a week and somehow discern who I gave to? Would God ask me to pray with people every day? And if so, what time would I have to leave home to do this? My mind went into overdrive, I lost sight of what was asked of me, and put my energy into dreaming up schemes to rid Christchurch city of poverty. 

My frantic thoughts and planning were unnecessary. The following day, the space had been swept clean. No trace of transient life visible. And now, months later it remains the same. I have no idea what happened to Marcel or his friends.

The wisdom I am taking from this moment is relaxing into the thought of ‘that’s enough for now’. I am freed from worry of long-term care plans for people with no permanent dwellings, or church growth numbers, poverty elimination, or even what will happen next week, or tomorrow. I am simply invited to be obedient in every interaction as God guides me. God knows my desire is that He continues to grow me in love so that eventually every encounter I have with another human being naturally echos my relationship with my creator in the way of grace, understanding and encouragement. I know He has a great plan, unfolding in His perfect timing, I can trust Him for the rest, and that’s enough for now.